Sunday, February 20, 2011
Its 4;13 in the morning, and im laying here, not being able to sleep because i cannot catch my breath for shit, i havent stopped coughing for literally like 4 hours and it feels like my organs are all failing because it hurts so bad. i hate feeling this way, i really do. some days i really feel as if i cant handle it anymore. im waiting patiently for these iv meds to start clearing it up, i dont understand why i feel like im getting worse. i miss being able to go out and do things. i cant even walk around for like 2 minutes without getting winded or feeling like im gonna keel over. im prayinggg that after these rounds of IVs, that i will feel better and then be able to start exercising and working harder to keep myself healthier. i never exercise because i dont even have the energy to walk 5 feet, let alone get on a treadmill or something..but hopefully things can change and i am willing to bust my ass to start strengthening my body, i am so weak its not even funny. i also hope i can gain some freakin weight..i havent gone shopping for myself in so long and i hate going out in public because i feel like i look SO disgusting, like skeletor. i hate that my bones stick out and my legs look like toothpicks. ugh its so gross. i used to be a healthy weight and i was comfortable with myself. ever since i started losing so much weight, i hate myself. well the way i look at least. well im gonna attempt to lay down my eyes are burning, even though i know i wont be able to sleep choking like this. :( .. just hoping things will get better soon.