Tuesday, February 22, 2011
just one of those days..
It's just one of those days.. when you just are feeling really down about everything and anything that comes along your way. I guess the fact that my doctor added prednisone for me to take along with the IV's and other 5 million medications im already on. Prednisone and me are not a good combo, it fucks with my moods and emotions so bad. I had already been feeling really sad lately, and that just put the topper on it. I was crying quite a bit today actually. Sometimes everything compiled on top of eachother is just way too much. And alot of the time, i cry because i'm frusterated. Frusterated that i can't take a 5 minute walk, frusterated that i can't do alot of the physical stuff i used to be able to. Frusterated that im constantly exhausted because im up all night, gagging and coughing on my own mucus. It's 5:18 right now and i just got into one of my coughing fits that sometimes last 3 or 4 hours .. i dont understand why im not getting better, its really really concerning and scaring me. Hopefully the prednisone will help a little bit with the cough and wheezing ive been having but the IVs really need to start kicking in and doing their usual job. When i cry, it's never because i feel sorry for myself because trust me, I don't. I do believe that i was given CF for one reason or another and i need to take it as a blessing and not a curse. It's just that it gets me down that i am going to be fighting this continuous painful battle from now until i am done on this earth. Fighting for every breath i take, taking medicines that make me sick, going on IVs, getting better for a little while .. just to fall back off the track and have to do the same thing ALLLL over again a couple months later. THAT is what really gets me down, its kinda like theres no light at the end of the tunnel, theres nothing to look forward to, getting better for us CFers is only a temporary type of thing, we will never be better. Its a horrible, progressive illness. Dont get me wrong, there is always transplant, but that isn't always a bed of roses either .. it could work out absolutely GREAT and could give us the breath and life we always wanted, and it could equally go the other way. I guess all i can do is BELIEVE in my heart that there will be a cure before i reach that point. :/ ughh